


mean it

by honeysugaboy



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Hurt Choi Soobin, I had this fic posted before but revised and reposted it bc like soogyu vibes, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, Vampire Choi Soobin, Whipped Choi Beomgyu, soogyu, witch choi beomgyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeysugaboy/pseuds/honeysugaboy
Summary: beomgyu takes away everything soobin regrets every yearorbeomgyu uses magic to erase soobin's pain each year, but it's never enough
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	mean it

**Author's Note:**

> i had this idea come when i was sleep deprived and soft so here you go. i think i'll leave it like this bc whew this took a lot out of me. i ended up rewriting this fic for soogyu bc i thought it fit them really well  
> also another peak softness moment so enjoy lol  
> also also they're "young" in this! in case the 60 years surprised you :)  
> please leaves comments and kudos about if this was soft enough for you hehe

beomgyu swipes the pads of his thumbs in half moons beneath soobin's eyes. he can't help the smile that forms, an overwhelming surge of warmth, that comes from the familiar sight of his boyfriend. 

soobin goes a cute shade of pink, his tears warm and slow as he tries to breathe deep enough to suppress his little tremors, but they pass through anyways. "i'm sorry," he says and beomgyu has to force himself not to coo, "i hate that you have to see me like this."

beomgyu doesn't tell him that he's seen it plenty enough. "i'm your boyfriend baby, i'm the only one supposed to see you like this," beomgyu murmurs into the air between the two, fingers moving back down to connect with soobin's, "it's only right i get to see you cry after how many times you have seen me."

beomgyu's cried thousands of tears soobin's hand has forgotten he swept away so it doesn't surprise him when his lover replies, "two times isn't a lot, beomgyu-ah."

"i know," beomgyu answers truthfully, letting soobin knead his hands, something he remembers that the older enjoys to do.

they sit like this, quiet and gazing at each other, the wind swiping at the exposed slivers of skin, beomgyu preparing himself to do this again, soobin trying to figure out how to ask.

"i can hear your brain from here, babe," beomgyu decides to cut his own brooding short, "what are you thinking?"

his boyfriend pouts, lower pink lip poking out obnoxiously far and this time beomgyu can't hold back his coo as he says, "nothing,"

"i know it's something; just tell me."

"you're not going to like it," soobin insists, eyes dropping to study beomgyu's boots, an early birthday present he'd gotten the younger. 

beomgyu sighs, aching from the statement's validity, "doesn't mean you shouldn't tell me. you aren't alone anymore, choi soobin."

"i know, baby," the small smile that pulls back soobin's lips gives beomgyu just the right amount of strength he needs, "neither are you."

beomgyu soaks those words in even though he knows they are all lies, lets himself pretend that anyone actually understands the length he goes to for soobin's love, for his peace. he just hums in affirmation, allowing himself to drink in the grace and beauty that is his boyfriend, to swim in the everlasting scent of cedar wood, rose, and something so damn soobin that it is indecipherable.

"sometimes," soobin begins and beomgyu keeps admiring him knowing the older won't remember just how much love is in his eyes as he does, "i wonder what life would look like if i didn't have all of these problems that make me like... like _this_."

ah, _this_. if beomgyu could've told him the first time how much _this_ was okay with him, that beomgyu would be ecstatic if all he had to do was comfort _this_ , then perhaps none of _this_ would have happened to begin with.

"i mean think about it. when we have kids," beomgyu's heart does the same pitter-patter as always at the mention of kids, even all these years later, "they're going to grow up wondering why their dad is so weak, why he's so weird-"

beomgyu interrupts, just like his usual script, "having emotions doesn't make you weak, hyung."

"it's not that; it's that... that," despite being the lyricist that he is in composing music, soobin struggles to explain the feeling to beomgyu who still has yet to understand the trauma that runs deep within his lover, "having no control over my emotions makes me unstable as a partner, a person, a parent."

beomgyu now shifts his gaze to the inky black sky, the stars gleaming in an effort to be seen. he hates watching soobin's frustration manifest when he can't make sense of himself.

"and i've seen therapist after therapist," beomgyu wishes to tell him that they'll try however many it takes for soobin to feel like he's progressing, "specialist after specialist," beomgyu doesn't care how many people he needs to see, "i've found the love of my life," beomgyu always feels a hollow pang at the realization that his love isn't enough to heal soobin, that it never will be, "and i still can't get my shit together for the life of me."

beomgyu used to be tempted by the idea of telling him that he didn't need to have his shit together, that they'd figure it out, but then that means not only leaving him to struggle with his current dark past and then adding on five false years he's lived and forgotten. he's trained himself out of wanting to stop this, to end the cycle when he's spent many nights sobbing into his pillow. he justifies it, says that it's all because he never experienced soobin's pain, that this is his punishment, his way of showing soobin that he was true to his promise of carrying half of soobin's pain for the rest of their lives. he instead studies the moon, trying to count how many blemishes he can see from this far away.

soobin finishes, voice raising towards the end, hope nearly tangible in his question, "can you erase it?"

beomgyu plays along, as if this is the first time he's heard it, "what?!"

"just-just the bad parts! just the things that haunt me. the things that make me so messed up in the head," soobin's pleading, knowing how beomgyu has always felt about using his magic where it doesn't belong.

soobin was no stranger to magic being a vampire himself, was no stranger to the damage it can wreak in one's life. that didn’t stop him from asking.

"i don't even know how to do that," he keeps his eyes on the moon, always grappling with the part where he has to actually stare at his boyfriend when he knows he can't even remember his expressions from last time. 

"yes, you do! you do it all the time!" 

beomgyu sometimes entertains the idea that if he'd never told soobin about his job at the hospital, how families send him in to guide people to a peaceful death, for them to only remember the best parts of their lives for the last few hours they are alive, then none of this would have happened.

"please, beomgyu-ah, i know you don't like it, but it's the best thing for us to do. you know it is. you deserve a boyfriend without all the issues-"

this time beomgyu gives himself the chance to interrupt, "i don't mind your issues, soobin hyung. you know that. i love you for you."

it's earnest and honest.

but it's not enough, "i know you do, baby, but you deserve more. please just," his cheeks are then cupped into the cold, clammy hands of his devastated boyfriend, "listen to me." he lets his head be guided so that their foreheads are touching, "i'm hurting. i can't handle much longer knowing that i'm also hurting you. i don't want to hurt you, beomgyu-ah. so please just take them away. please, please."

beomgyu doesn't understand how his body manages to react just as drastically as the first time, a sob ripping out of his chest before he can control it, "i can't, hyung. i can't, i'm sorry-"

"yes, yes you can, baby. you can help hyung," beomgyu fights the eye contact as soobin pulls them back, setting their faces equal. "look at me, baby. c'mon..."

he reminds himself of how much more it hurts when he drags these things out. 

"you can take all of this away. so we can finally be happy together, so i can be the best boyfriend, best dad, best person i can be."

beomgyu forces his body to go slack, forces his eyes to stare into the older's.

"please."

beomgyu wets his lips then selfishly mutters into the air between them, "i want to kiss you."

and he watches the conflict run through his lover's dark chocolate hues, how he so clearly wants for these memories to be gone, how he so deeply loves beomgyu, how he so blindly wants peace. 

but he doesn't torture himself. beomgyu leans forward, lips meeting in the middle and molding against each other in slow harmonious movements, natural and familiar, reminding beomgyu who has always been in control, who has always followed the other's lead. he lets soobin guide him like the puppet he is, right into his lap, fingers releasing each other in order to wrap around soobin's neck and his legs on his waist. soobin's fingers slide from his face to his neck, his other hand wrapping firmly around his middle. beomgyu loses himself in the act, prolonging the inevitable until soobin gets too impatient.

the older pulls back first, hand having traveled to the nape of beomgyu's neck at some point in the kiss and now holding there. he whispers, voice gruff and warm, "beomgyu-ah, please take these memories away."

beomgyu can only manage a nod, too far in his own net of despair to attempt anything off script from last time.

soobin showers him in kisses at the acceptance, tears freshly flowing from his eyes as if beomgyu is his savior.

beomgyu is selfish. he drinks all the praise in, knowing he'll regret this moment every day for the rest of his life.

"thank you, thank you, hyung loves you, is so grateful."

beomgyu shushes him with a kiss on the corner of his mouth, too afraid that if he allows him to keep speaking, he'll break down too. "i love you more than you'll ever know," he pauses to emphasize, "are you sure you want this?"

"yes."

the younger waits long enough to make sure that he won't cry himself, "okay... are you ready?"

beomgyu often wonders why he chose to do it here, why he chose this field of wildflowers on the edge of his hometown Daegu. The area has no significance to the older, but it means so much to beomgyu now. outside has always been where beomgyu was the most himself, a contradiction in which he seems to be the type to come alive in his dance studio, but it is truly out here with the trees where he is able to reload.

"yes."

beomgyu gently pecks the side of his lover's lips again, unable to get enough of their contact, "think about the most painful memory you've ever had, emotional or physical," beomgyu doesn't explain that it helps him find the correct brainwave to attach the spell to anymore, "are you doing it?"

after a few moments, soobin grunts affirmatively and beomgyu forces himself to close his own eyes, murmuring the start of the spell. 

it is a lengthy spell, depending on how far back the memories must go, how old the candidate is, how strong the witch remains in order to gather every last disturbance. in soobin’s case, it lasts just over an hour and a half, draining beomgyu of all his ability for at least the next two days and exhausting him to his core. he’s plagued by the memories that he has to watch in order to expel and can’t imagine how soobin has been carrying them for the past 60 years without falling into an irreversible depression. some nights the memories are so suffocating that beomgyu has to ward off demons that pick up on his distress, but he has done it before and will do it again for however long it takes to bring soobin peace.

the older holds beomgyu protectively the entire time, molding their bodies together, fingers pressed tight on his rib cage. his breath tickles beomgyu's numb cheeks, smelling like spearmint gum, reminds him to breathe even when the spell is hitting it’s most taxing chant. beomgyu continues, his own fingers playing in the scruff of soobin's hair, knowing how much it relaxes his boyfriend. 

when the spell is done being cast, beomgyu relishes in the small break of silence where soobin's breathing has synced with his own and it's as if he can feel their hearts beat in tandem. 

"are you... done?" soobin croaks, voice hoarse in the silence. 

beomgyu smiles softly, "yeah..."

"ready to go home?"

"yeah..."

the younger slips out of soobin's lap so they can both get to their feet. they walk soundlessly to soobin's car, both getting in and buckling up. it isn't until soobin has cranked the car and pulled back onto the small dirt road they took to get to the field that beomgyu says again, "y'know, i can hear you thinking from here."

soobin doesn't miss a beat as he replies with a cheeky grin, "oh so then you already know what i want to do when we get home, right?"

beomgyu lets himself laugh, bask in the pearls of happiness he gets to experience afresh, "can you at least wine and dine me before trying to get in my pants?"

"don't i always?" soobin counters, winking, and beomgyu giggles. "but we'll stop by the store on the way home."

 _i can do this for the rest of my life_ , beomgyu assures himself as he stands in line behind his boyfriend while they check out with two deep dish pizzas and the cheapest bottle of sangria they could find. _if he's going to be this happy every time, i can do it._

_i have to._

**Author's Note:**

> right now my heart has been heavy. as a black person in the US, the black lives matter movement has been a part of my childhood. even now i'm protesting and donating. this writing is helping me stay sane in such a scary time and i'm not a huge influencer but if you can donate, please do. if you can protest PEACEFULLY and SAFELY in your city, please do. if you have a voice, use it, even if it's just to retweet a post or share a link. we need your help. we are dying and we need you. thank you if you have used your voice for us and i pray blessing come your way in the highest degree. thank you for reading this.


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